6 On the Six

This past weekend, sweet husband and I celebrated six years of marriage. We thought surely we would mark the occasion by delivering our third baby boy, but nope. That little turkey is not going anywhere it seems. When you feel 102 weeks pregnant, any anniversary celebration is likely to be a bit low key, but we did exchange cards, and sweet husband came home with flowers. We even got to go out on a date. Later, he told me that when he was picking up the flowers, an elderly lady asked him, “Are those for your sweetheart?” “Yes ma’am. Today is our anniversary. Six years.” She smiled at him with a proud, wistful expression and said, “Six years. That’s great. No one stays together like that anymore.”

While this precious lady had the best of intentions, I couldn’t help but to be a bit sad about her remark. She had the same enthusiasm about our six years that many people used to grant 50 year marriages. What a sad testament to society’s current view of marriage. But I do have to believe that marriage today is different than it was years ago. And in some ways, surviving six years is a bit like surviving fifty.

I don’t believe by any means that lasting six years of marriage makes me an expert, and I am sure we have not seen all the troubles we might see in life, but I’ve learned some things along the way that I would like to share. Some things I’ve gleaned from experience, others from things people told me or that I read… but all of it, I believe, key to surviving.

1. Always put your spouse first. Remember when you were dating and pretty much nothing came between you and your love? You would forsake food, sleep, people, anything for just a few more minutes with that person. As life goes on, and as you create new life, things get a bit more complicated. It’s no longer about skipping studying for that exam or missing your favorite TV show. It’s about work and kids and finances and housework and so many other things. Daily, there may be moments when other things have to come before your spouse. But as a whole? Make sure to focus most specifically on your first love. One day the kids will move on, you will retire, the house will be paid for, and you will be left with the person who was once your very best friend. It is up to you to make sure that on that day, the person sitting next to you isn’t a stranger.

2. Let problems come against you, not between. This may be a bold assumption, but I believe that the majority of problems that drive space between partners were not originally about them at all. They were problems of outside circumstances that the couple allowed to come between them. If we attempt to face all circumstances united together and view it as something coming against US rather than BETWEEN us, it makes the trouble much easier to face. It takes the blame off of the other person and focuses it on the problem at hand. And that is a simple key to making it through anything that might come our way.

3. Realize that love is reciprocal, but the cycle starts somewhere. While most people like to use the scripture of “Wives submit to your husbands, and husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church,” as ammunition for debate, it is truly one of my favorites. I think it contains some of the most practical advice about surviving marriage. I have absolutely no problem submitting to my husband– as long as he is loving me sacrificially as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. He has no problem loving me that way when I am allowing him to be what he was designed to be, the head of our household. It is a cycle. And there are days, even seasons when we don’t get it right. But when somehow the cycle breaks, it is important to be determined to be the one to continue the cycle… rather than focusing your bitterness on the brokenness of the cycle. When we make the effort to be the beginning of the cycle, the cycle will have no choice, in time, but to continue its reciprocation.

4. Understand that as long as something is an option, it will remain a possibility. This could apply for a lot of things. One of my favorite songs by John Mayer says, “I don’t need another kind of green to know I’m on the right side with you.” When we consider anything else as an option, another person, another way of being treated, what might have been, leaving– any of those wanderings will remain a possibility. Choose to water the grass right where you are, rather than looking with envy at the manure-laiden fields that appear so lush and green.

5. Don’t air dirty laundry. It makes me so sad to see couples publicly degrading their spouse, whether in conversation, or worse on social media. And sadly, wives are the worst for it. Nothing is more detrimental to a man than a blow at his pride, and what seem like silly statements posted to social media can plant seeds of disrespect that are so hurtful to a marriage. This can be anything from a funny reference to the fact that he forgot to take out the trash to an aggravated statement about a larger problem. Neither are okay. Both can do equal harm. Talk it out between yourselves, but never allow the daily dirt of life to be aired for all those around you.

6. Get over it. Yep. That’s a simple one. And yet, the most difficult. If there is one thing I can promise, life and marriage are hard. You will have problems. But you must focus on trying to work through them. Together. And when you do? (Because you can!) Choose to GET OVER IT. Don’t hold the mistakes and troubles of the past over the head of the other person as ammunition in every argument from now until the end of time. Time changes people, and people tend to change over time. It isn’t fair to look at things that happened six years ago, six months ago, six weeks ago as current, real issues. You are two very different people. Choose instead to look back and be proud of how far you have come. It is an accomplishment. Treat it accordingly, rather than a constant loom of doom. You will both be better for it.

I’m sure over the next sixty years, I’ve got a lot left to learn. But in my years of marriage, I have come to learn so much about the stereotypes and expectations of marriage versus its realities. The most important thing is to love intentionally and remember that you CHOSE this person. Keep choosing them. Choose to remember the reasons you chose them. Choose to find new ones. Focus on the good things, and watch those good things multiply…