Kicking and Screaming

Most days start exactly the same. We get up, get dressed, and get the big boys off to school. We come back home, and by that time, Roman is on his second round of sippy cup. Grab some breakfast, sneak in a show, and then the tides turn. Every day. You can mark it. Just past 9:00, homeboy gets GROUCHY. Maybe you tried to change his diaper in the bedroom and he wanted to be changed in the living room. Maybe he wanted to try the potty. Maybe he didn’t want to try the potty. Maybe he chose to watch Alvin and The Chipmunks (or gummy bear songs as he likes to call it… what even??), but when you got ole Alvin going, he decided he’d rather Mickey Mouse instead. Whatever the issue, one thing is clear. This time every day, my boy needs a NAP. So I take him to the room, most of the time kicking and screaming, give him the things he needs most to make it through the rest, kiss him, tell him I love him, and then walk out of the room. I’m not far, obviously. About 6 feet as the crow flies on the other side of the wall, I stand for a few minutes as I listen to him scream and cry and sometimes kick his crib in his adamant defiance of this horrible torture. And then… silence. Funny thing, he always wakes up a whole new person.

Sometimes in life it seems that the things we need the most, we resist the most. OUCH.

Genesis 32:26-28. Jacob finds himself wrestling with God, and says, “I will not let go until you bless me!”  The man [God] asked him, “What is your name?” “Jacob,” he answered. Then the man [God] said, “Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome.” Isn’t that interesting? We find Jacob kicking and screaming at God. And when he finally succumbs, God blesses him, and changes his name. His new name changes his direction. His change in direction alters the whole course of history.

This past year, if I look back (though I try to keep looking forward), is a mess of rubble and destruction. My whole life, I have grown up with God in my back pocket. He has always been someone with whom I was quite familiar. I knew God to be one that heals, redeems, restores, provides, comforts, and directs. But if I got truly honest with myself, there weren’t a whole lot of times that I allowed Him to be that for me. But in this past year, that has changed. There have been so many times that I simply could not walk another step unless He carried me. I needed the redemption of His forgiving love in my own life. I needed Him to restore what was broken. I needed Him to provide for our every need. And to close out a year I thought could not get much worse, I found myself desperately needing Him to comfort and direct me. Through the whole year, I have been kicking and screaming at God, “I will not let go until you bless me!!” And when I look back, He has.

Seven is the number of completion. Eight is the number of new beginnings. This year, we closed seven years of marriage and are embarking on new beginnings. As I look back, I can see that as I was kicking and screaming, God was molding, shaping, comforting, protecting, providing, redeeming, restoring and directing. He has been giving me all the things I needed most to make me into a new person. Even though many times it didn’t look like God’s plan in my eyes, He is perfect in all of His ways. And even in the pain and the hurt and the failures on my own part, God’s desire is for my best. Always.

“I felt God speak, ‘THIS. This will be your redemption baby. Everything will be okay. This baby will be God’s instrument to heal our heart and change the chapters of our story.’ Romans 8:28 ‘And we know all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.’” I wrote these words back in August of last year the day after being shocked at a positive pregnancy test for our sweet Jacob Seth. I was panicked. The timing was not ours. But immediately, I felt God’s promise. To be truthful, I forgot I even wrote that in my journal. After, I tucked the journal away in a drawer and didn’t find it again until about three weeks ago. I had no idea when I wrote that we would lose Jacob. But three weeks ago, when I stumbled upon this and read it again, I felt a peace sweep over my heart. What I thought was God’s promise may have perished. But His plan did not. As I read those words over and over again, there was a knowing in my heart. Jacob’s purpose is being fulfilled. Everything I wrote in those lines, I can still say I believe to be true. God has used his little life in ways I never imagined. And ultimately, I have come to know this—sometimes God has to break our heart to heal it. When Jacob left, my heart was shattered. But as I have kept walking, I can say of the Lord, “I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes.” I have seen Him with my own two eyes. And God has used this, the breaking of our hearts, to heal our hearts and forever change the chapters of our story.

Today is Jacob’s due date. He likely would have been born a week or two ago, but today my arms are especially empty. There are no bottles on the counter, no swaddling blankets laying around, no quiet hum of the rock and play, and no regard to the schedule on the clock. Just empty arms and quiet spaces. But I walk ahead, palms up to what’s next. And though my palms are empty, I believe that God’s promise did not perish. God’s promise will prevail.

For every child in our family, we have done a Baby Dedication, a prayer over their life.  I find it to be only fitting to leave you with Jacob’s…

Jacob Seth Cuccio is the son of Blake and Erin Cuccio. The name Jacob is of Hebrew Origin and means ‘one who has deceived.’ The name Seth is of Hebrew origin as well and means ‘appointed’ or ‘the anointed seed.’ Our prayer for you sweet Jacob is that no one would ever mistake the purpose God has placed on your life. Though your time with us may have been short, we believe the anointing over your life will be far reaching. That many might be inspired to cling to God in their desperation and not let go until they receive His blessing. You, Jacob, have been a blessing.  In ALL things, God is good.